Unnecessary Grief

Prompt by Rhiannon McGavin, from Not A Cult Editorial: Pick a feeling a describe where it exists in your body in 3-line stanzas

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For a person I barely knew

Whose death was unnecessary

Grief. does not. exist.

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When my brain protects me from myself

When it fogs up to block the intangible

As if fog can support my knees any better

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Grief is in my shoulders

(everything is in my shoulders)

I don’t carry the world

.

But I know I push it away

I try not to get crushed

I try not to think of how thick newspapers could be

If they only printed names of those who died

.

I try not to think of those selfish enough to not care

About pages and pages and

Hospitals and hospitals and hospitals

Of preventable deaths

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Death is necessary

It is necessary for the way that we love and value time

It is necessary for heritage

It is necessary for generations to carry us

— if we cared for them correctly

It is not necessary for you to decide

— When a death is excusable

— So you can continue to enjoy a carefree life

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Life is not about being an individual

We are made to be with others

We are made to value each other

Our own humanity loses value

— When we lose sight of others’ mortality

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As much as I want to fight, and scream, and punch, and violently enact my will 

on those who do not care enough to wear their mask correctly

— if they wear one at all

To socially distance correctly

— If they stay inside at all

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I’m tired

— Exhausted

— –Of living through so many unnecessary historical events

.

They make it necessary to see

How people I care about

View others’ morality

Carefree

Careless

of who is in the hospital bed

.

You know what

.

Fuck this

.

Fuck your fakeness

Fuck your fake sorrow for a COVID death of someone you knew

Because fuck your outdoor seating

Fuck your “no one can tell me what to do” attitude

.

I want to call you

To spit and scream

And curse your name

But it’s your goddamn carefree and carelessness that keeps us apart

Don’t you f u c k i n g blame it on us

Blame your goddamn outdoor seating

Blame your birthday parties

And one day

— You will find that the blame

— — Is on you

.

But I can’t convince you

I can’t, and I won’t

Because I’m trying to get this goddamn scream out of my chest

— Without giving it sound

Because I don’t want to hold grief anymore

— When it’s you who should be holding care

— — Maybe some guilt

— — — Obligation

— — — Pro-fucking-life

.

Grief

Is found in my chest caving in

Deep into a chasm

— That I didn’t want to see

For a death that was unnecessary