Essay 4: Creation

What does knowing what to do with yourself look like? How will I look at protesting and socialism when my frontal lobe is fully developed? Am I this idealistic because of my frontal lobe still developing?

I organized myself today, which was a strange mix of being able to use markers for something useful and trying to deal with all the information I had to write down for the next four months. I am overwhelmed and it’s only the second day of classes.

I don’t want to do anything but sleep at the moment.

I just want the week to go by faster. I want to get all my syllabi because I want to know I have everything. I get anxious when I know something is coming but I don’t actually have the information yet.

I would have loved to have written about something more “romantic,” but I am trying to take to heart to just pour out what’s in my mind for this challenge. My mind is not always romantic, or just, or peaceful. Essays are rough. Writing is tough. There is a need for my body to write. When I get an idea, I think about it so much that I don’t focus on anything else because I cannot forget the damn idea. There is a yearning to create for me. There is a yearning to fall in love with an idea that I can commit to it. I am not a solitary kind of person, and I am not sure about spending time by myself with an idea/story for too long, but honestly the process excites me. Writing takes practice to be completely cliche. Some of the most helpful tips I’ve read:

• write 10 minutes a day
• read like a writer, write like a reader
• let the flow go

My best poems have come from me physically not being able to stop. The idea takes over. The idea is not done with me until it is done. It does not take me into consideration whatsoever. It runs and runs and runs until I am panting and my hand is cramping but I endure for the sake of creation.

“The opposite of war isn’t peace, it’s creation!” (RENT The Musical)

The only time I know what to do with myself is in this flow, and I do it for free. Poetry is Not A Luxury (I always think of you, Audre Lorde) for me, yet this flow is usually done when I have “free time.” Part of my metal health depends on making time to allow the flow to come if it would like. I can’t not write. When I am up worrying at 1 or 2 am, I have written letters that I will Never Send. My ideas accessorize my notebook margins in class. Writing holds on tight, and Never would I like to let it go.

Essay 2: Happy List

In the summer before my 8th grade year, a couple of my cousins from my mom’s side stayed with us for 2 weeks. I remember because we were in the house on Olive Street when we decided to make Happy Lists. Mine is currently probably hiding somewhere in my various journals. In honor of trying to think of what will make me happy this summer, I’ll make a new one, with no order of preference, at 20-years-old.

1. Spending time with my family, my partner, and/or my friends (also considered chosen family)
2. sleeping in
3. feeling comfortable in my own skin
4. feeling comfortable being alone
5. curly hair on anyone
6. babies with dimples for knuckles
7. flower crowns made of real flowers on my head
8. compliments
9. journals
10. the 3 colorful “posters” I designed myself next to my bed
11. feeling self-sufficient sometimes
12. being shielded behind my hood’s fur-lining when it’s snowing
13. warmth
14. desert landscapes
15. flowering springtime
16. people of color
17. people of color loving themselves
18. making others laugh
19. intersectional feminist books
20. books in general
21. speaking Spanish when chismeando
22. hugs
23. lots of hugs
24. cuddling
25. platonic hand-holding
26. being covered by 5 blankets
27. electric blanket
28. talking on the phone (?!) with my partner
29. puppies
30. posting pictures of puppies from the interwebs
31. receiving pictures of puppies
32. celebrating birthdays
33. receiving payment from work
34. iced coffee
35. making the perfect foam for macchiatos
36. platonic flirting
37. kissing friends on the cheek
38. when friends tell me they miss me first
39. funny group texts
40. having time to read for fun
41. memes
42. my saguaro cactus onesie
43. jeans that make my butt look good
44. crafting/anything that keeps my hand busy
45. freshly-threaded eyebrows
46. lipstick
47. food
48. tacos de carne asada o tripas, todo con queso por favor
49. owls
50. purple
51. cuddle puddles
52. sunny days with a couple of rainy days thrown in for perfect writing lighting
53. feeling the flow of writing that doesn’t stop until it needs to

Luckily, I could keep going. I could probably write devotionals to a couple of the things on my Happy List, which will come eventually. The things on the list excite my everyday life, keeping the daily of life bright.

Catching Up

For #52essays2017, I need three to be able to catch up for the year. I saw a writer I follow on Instagram say that she was publishing with this hashtag, and I eventually found the challenge at https://vanessamartir.wordpress.com/2016/12/27/52essays2017/. I want to write, I want to publish some, mostly act as though I will publish everything, but I want to write for myself. I want to debrief this year of mini-adulting, one essay at a time. Poems will probably come, as the obsession to write follows me and structures itself as dramatic pauses when the line drops and

goes

to

the

next.

Diviertase.